I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I have post one night stand depression
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
