omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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