I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
