while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
