I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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