Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
