There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
