My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
