i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
no more duck duck goose at the bar
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
