adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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