He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
