a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
