I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
