It's like God shit irony all over that family
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
