I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
