addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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