omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
