she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Found the puke drawer
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
