i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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