alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
