Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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