I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Sorry my hands just texted you
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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