Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
