i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
