Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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