His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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