I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
