It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
