I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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