I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
he thought i was a dude.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
