Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
