I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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