dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
