Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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