Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
