New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
