We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
