We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize