I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize