i think i have herpe
just one?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Someone came in the potted fern
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
