3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
