dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
