This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
