You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
