I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Well I just put wine in my tea
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
