I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
