apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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