its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
