she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
