I molested 6 butterflies tonight
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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