saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
