made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
