guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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