If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
