I haven't been this sober since birth.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
