i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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